"Why carry on without me?"
"Everytime" - Britney Spears
I can perfectly remember how my life finally got a meaning. It was on late February, in 2014. I was playing League of Legends with my brother and some of his friends when He came out.
He was my brother’s boyfriend’s cousin. He used to make jokes about almost everything; sometimes that was such cruel, especially when it came to jokes about other people, but he was still great fun. I don’t know why, but I just felt that I simply agreed with everything he said, even things that would make me angry two hours before. I was… weird.
The next month was just perfect. We spent whole afternoons talking through Facebook. He was usually quite nerdy, he loved computers and videogames, and I liked that. Sometimes, joking, he called me “honey” or “cutie” (he already knew I’m a girl), and I… I was just the happiest being in the world imagining those words could be true in some time.
Days passed, and everything he did was just perfect to me. I checked his Facebook photos… and he was gorgeous! How could someone be so perfect? I just wanted to tell him I loved him, meet him and hug him for hours, because it was so true. But I was really afraid he would sure say “no” and block me. I really thought no one would ever be interested in me…
And the day finally came. It was March 24th, and I was so nervous I had to lock me in my room for some hours before daring to ask him. But finally, the moment came. I was trembling: what if he said no? It was better to admire him from the distance than to lose him forever…
I dared. I sent him the message. Facebook said “Seen”. He had seen it…
And the moment came out. I was hidden under the computer desk and it sounded like a new message. I was really sure it would be a “WTF don’t talk to me ever again!” or something like that, but I’d never know unless I stood up and saw it… HE FELT THE SAME! Oh, God! It was the best moment in my life, I’m sure of that!
The next month was just perfect. He made me smile every single second. We played League and Ragnarok Online together and, no matter how I’d fail or how we’d lose by my fault, I’d never get stressed because he was there telling me I had played great. We talked through Facebook for hours (and even days when it came to weekends). I used to chat with him when my parents were asleep so they wouldn’t complain, and it was still sweet because his words were just bigger than any fear to get caught. He came to my home once, and I had the two best days of my life with him… I could just die right there, because he was right next to me.
He lived in Barcelona, and I lived far away from him. That distance made me miss him every time. I couldn’t stand school anymore, I just wanted to get home and make him smile telling him that he was perfect and gorgeous, because I loved to tell him the truth.
Once we were talking to a female friend of him through Skype. I was really jealous, because he was calling her “honey” and “cutie” as a joke… but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to get upset. After that I was very sad because he told me that he loved my voice and didn’t want me to stay silent ever again… So I guess I got him upset anyway.
But life was just about to teach me fairytales don’t always have that happy ending everyone thinks about. One day he told me he was going to be without Internet for a month… and I just really wanted to die. He told me that he was afraid of forgetting me, and I told him I was sure he wouldn’t forget me if he truly loved me.
But… he did.
After a month, he came back just to tell me he didn’t want to carry on with our relationship and erase me as a Facebook friend. I just wished I could die. I really wanted to. I spent the next months crying and doing absolutely nothing. I really thought it was my fault because I wasn’t a real girl and I wasn’t good enough for him. I just hoped he would come back and tell me he misses me, because the only thing my heart could say is that if we had felt the same so far, it shouldn’t change. I must confess if I didn’t try to die by myself it was because of that hope…
That never happened.
My brother told me that he had been a moron for leaving me without any reason and that he would never come back because one does not just stops loving, and that meant he didn’t love me at all.
I guess that made me abandon my hopes, but it gave me some auto-esteem because I knew it was not my fault.
It was on late August that I received a message from him. He said he was sorry for leaving me without a reason and… introduced his new girlfriend to me. She was the girl we spoke to through Skype months earlier.
He acted like he was my friend for some days. He seemed full of good intentions but I… I just hated him. I don’t know why. I don’t know how such a positive feeling can get so dirty in just five months… But I just told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and we said goodbye to each other.
I didn't block him... I still wonder why.
