Is my dream possible?

"I'm a science genius girl

I won the science fair

I wear a white lab coat

DNA strands in my hair"

"Science Genius Girl" - Freezepop

Most people assume their dreams are too far fetched, and I'm afraid my dreams are as well.

I know I can't achieve all my dreams, all I can do is fight for half of them (Music or Chemistry) and watch the rest flow in front of my eyes. But there are some dreams i can fulfil regardless of which career I choose! I can get rid of my social phobia (though that's pretty hard being a mole), I can be a pretty girl (though I'll have to wait for that) and I can meet interesting people sharing my likes (though I'd need to fulfil the previous two

to do that), so I'm not getting bored of my life. EVER.

Even though my role model is a singer, my capacities and my heart tell me to be a "science genius girl", and that's what I'm going to be. I guess "Popstar Heathah" is not existing... ever.

Fear and Loathing

"Don't wanna live in fear and loathing
I wanna feel like I am floating
Instead of constantly exploding
In fear and loathing"

"Fear and Loathing" - Marina and The Diamonds

Just a few weeks ago, if someone had asked me for the worst error a teenager can commit, I would have said it is to be oneself. I had heard a lot of people say "Just be yourself" with a smile like they said something right, and I only wanted to kick them all in their faces. All I knew and all I had learnt from high school was that if I was myself, people was going to judge me and be repulsed by me.

It's just that when you commit an error, when you do something "not socially accepted", or even when you are kind when someone "weird", you really get to think you become the weirdo and you really get yourself in fear of other people's opinions. I had a theory: "Society is divided in three groups: girls (50% of society), stupid boys (24'99% of society), homosexual boys (25% of society) and exceptions (0'01% of society).", and I would really swear it was true. If I have to be sincere, I must admit when I think about that theory I notice the figures are totally crazy: of course there are a lot of "stupid boys" but, luckily, there are a lot of exceptions as well (actually, I was being quite unfair to think every single gay man is not a twat, wasn't I?)!

But the positive truth comes when one makes the step to ask sincerely about other people's opinions about oneself. That is when you get to know who are the stupid boys, which are quite a lot, but you get to know a lot of exceptions as well and, guess what: most males are exceptions... so they're actually not exceptions! The worst of all is that when you ask a stupid boy for some reason why you're "bad", "sick" or "weird", you notice how right you are being who you are. But the best thing is that you get to discover that, after all, you have real friends that won't judge you negatively.

Of course, this all gets wrong when your way to be makes you tend to hurt others pointlessly. Then your goal should be to change that way to a more positive one for you and the people of your environment.

The point of all this is that, even if you're the least common person in the whole world, you only get a really little number of "haters" and they aren't even right, so take your fear of opinions off and enjoy the admiration true people shows to you for daring to be yourself.

Multiple Intelligences (and how I blow at some of them)

"Scientific method girl

The theorems speak to me" 
"Science Genius Girl" - Freezepop

Back to Internet tests, our English task today was taking this one. It's about multiple intelligences related to some things we like to do or are good at. I know my capacities and I know which types of intelligences are most present in me: Logical Intelligence should be the highest, followed by Intrapersonal Intelligence and Musical Intelligence. Even though, I consider I'm also good at what Naturalistic and Visual/Spatial Intelligences refer to, since I draw quite often and what I draw requires some knowledge on animal and human anatomies. However, I don't really think that conditions my personality so I don't get how this test is going to be right...

Anyway, let's see my results:

• Linguistic. That's one of my potential abilities, though not the best. I'm good at... Greek.
• Logical. To raise my auto-esteem, when I'm feeling down, my brother usually calls me "Science Genius Girl"... And, hell yeah, he's right! I totally agree with this chart, I love to solve mathematical and scientific problems and I'm actually good at it!
• Interpersonal. Jeez... It's true, I blow at interpersonal relationships, that's why I'm usually taken as a weirdo... So I guess the chart is right again.
• Intrapersonal. Well, I guess the chart got it again. I spend most of my time with myself, so I got to have a lot of this Intelligence.
• Musical. Oh, come on! My Musical Intelligence being as much as my Kinaesthetic one would be a quite legitimate justification to commit suicide, especially when I hate sports and I would want to become a singer, don't you think? This drives me crazy...
• Visual/Spatial. I guess I agree with this one as well. I'm getting better every day at drawing, but I sill got so much to improve! My drawings still have no background (XD), so that's still low as an Intelligence.

  

  The intention was to draw him making pushups, but legs look terribly off so he's flying (XD)!

• Naturalistic. OH, THANKS! My 9 in Biology is fake, I get it! So are my 9 in Nature in 1st of ESO and my other high marks in Biology and Geology in general!... Seriously, are you kidding me? I may not know the names of some plants and birds, but I comprehend what they are made of and I'm good at Biology in general... But I guess all that the test contemplated was practical investigation of the environment, and not remembering data from books like I do, so maybe it's right.
• Kinaesthetic. I never do sports, I only move if it's compulsory, I fail P.E... This results on me should not be legal.

The Animal In Me

We've all seen one of those Internet tests with some eye-catching title like "Which Mythological Creature are you?"... Well, I'm sure they are the best for bored teenagers without nothing else to do that will forget the results after posting them on Facebook or Twitter but I never really believed in those.

The thing is that, in an English class, the task was to do one of those tests (called "The Animal In You") which calls itself "The Most Accurate Personality Test on the Web" (that is NOT pretentious at all!), and the results were... disturbing? Well, here are the results for me of The Most Accurate Personality Test on the Web (sure).

So, I'm a...

...Mole

Careers and Hobbies

Engineering · Songwriting · Grave Digger · Researching · Music · Poetry · Coffeshops · Designing

• Songwriting/Music. You bet! That's what I want to be, a singer-songwriter! Yay!
• Researching. Well, that's something I like as well. My first thought about future careers was Chemistry, but if I have to choose between music and science, I really don't know what to choose...
• Grave Digger. Everyone loves this, some just won't admit.
• Poetry. I guess songwriting is a way of making poetry after all, so yes.
• Designing. I like to draw, but I'm sure there's a huge difference between drawing musclegut furries and designing clothes, buildings, and all those things...

Overview (most relevant points)

I feel... offended. Cute, though.

"They have pasty complexions and are usually seen in late night coffee shops, jazz bars or underground clubs."
 The only right thing here is that I have pasty complexions. I just hate to go outside home at night... and I don't really like jazz (except when it comes to Katie Melua, then I love it). 

"Passive and unassertive, they prefer to retreat at the first sign of confrontation and would rather run than take physical action."
 I guess I'll have to agree with that one. I really prefer non-confrontational ways of doing things.

"Moles have extremely sharp minds and are excellent problem solvers. As reflected in their determined burrowing through difficult terrain, moles prefer solutions with straight lines rather than having to go around problems."
 Hell, yeah. My science marks can be a good check for that one.

So... I guess that test is pretty accurate, but not 100%... For sure.

My Hero

 "Come meet me in the sky I'll be waiting for you
And we can't hear what they say
Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon, hah
Sing, sing along, along any song you want to
Now we're so high, it can't rain
Up in my air balloon, air balloon, air balloon, hah, hah"

"Air Balloon" - Lily Allen

Lily Allen has been my hero since I knew about her existence, and that was 2006. The main reason why I admire her is because she's not afraid to express her thoughts without euphemisms or funnels, she's just sincere (though also really cynical in some cases). I also look up to her because she has been through really hard situations (such as a failed pregnancy) without losing her smile: she has shown me that you have to overcome those problems and not just cry about them.

The most evident reason why I want to be like Lily Allen (not only because she's pretty) is because she works in music industry, and I want to become a singer when I get the body I belong to. I also want to express myself and my thoughts/opinions in my songs, just like her.

My Bucket List

"Cause I took a long look at my bucket list
And I saw that at the bottom it said our first kiss
Yeah I took a long look at my bucket list
And I saw that at the bottom it said our first kiss and
Whoa I'm running out of time"

"Bucket List" - Nelly Furtado

.

Everyone has dreams and everyone knows most of their dreams are impossible. I know some of mine are, and I guess it's too pretentious to think i could get them all. Some of my dreams are just impossible for me right now, but I still really wish they were possible and done in a not-so-far future. So, without more delay, here is my bucket list:

My dreams are to...

• Be famous expressing myself, just like Nelly Furtado.
• Spend all of my time with my ideal man (find someone who loves me!).
• Spend a whole day in bed with him.
• Live in Athenes.
• Listen to my own songs on the radio.
• Throw a drink in my P.E. teacher's face!
• Collaborate with Britney Spears and Nelly Furtado in some tour!
• Talk Greek perfectly.
• Attend a furry convention (something tells me I will regret this one).
• Understand Portuguese (some Nelly Furtado's songs feature Portuguese vocals!).
• Be a pretty girl (of course!).
• Be as fancy as Lana Del Rey.
• Dedicate a song to my brother.

Him

"Why carry on without me?"

"Everytime" - Britney Spears

I can perfectly remember how my life finally got a meaning. It was on late February, in 2014. I was playing League of Legends with my brother and some of his friends when He came out.

He was my brother’s boyfriend’s cousin. He used to make jokes about almost everything; sometimes that was such cruel, especially when it came to jokes about other people, but he was still great fun. I don’t know why, but I just felt that I simply agreed with everything he said, even things that would make me angry two hours before. I was… weird.

The next month was just perfect. We spent whole afternoons talking through Facebook. He was usually quite nerdy, he loved computers and videogames, and I liked that. Sometimes, joking, he called me “honey” or “cutie” (he already knew I’m a girl), and I… I was just the happiest being in the world imagining those words could be true in some time.

Days passed, and everything he did was just perfect to me. I checked his Facebook photos… and he was gorgeous! How could someone be so perfect? I just wanted to tell him I loved him, meet him and hug him for hours, because it was so true. But I was really afraid he would sure say “no” and block me. I really thought no one would ever be interested in me…

And the day finally came. It was March 24^th, and I was so nervous I had to lock me in my room for some hours before daring to ask him. But finally, the moment came. I was trembling: what if he said no? It was better to admire him from the distance than to lose him forever…

I dared. I sent him the message. Facebook said “Seen”. He had seen it…

And the moment came out. I was hidden under the computer desk and it sounded like a new message. I was really sure it would be a “WTF don’t talk to me ever again!” or something like that, but I’d never know unless I stood up and saw it… HE FELT THE SAME! Oh, God! It was the best moment in my life, I’m sure of that!

The next month was just perfect. He made me smile every single second. We played League and Ragnarok Online together and, no matter how I’d fail or how we’d lose by my fault, I’d never get stressed because he was there telling me I had played great. We talked through Facebook for hours (and even days when it came to weekends). I used to chat with him when my parents were asleep so they wouldn’t complain, and it was still sweet because his words were just bigger than any fear to get caught. He came to my home once, and I had the two best days of my life with him… I could just die right there, because he was right next to me.

He lived in Barcelona, and I lived far away from him. That distance made me miss him every time. I couldn’t stand school anymore, I just wanted to get home and make him smile telling him that he was perfect and gorgeous, because I loved to tell him the truth.

Once we were talking to a female friend of him through Skype. I was really jealous, because he was calling her “honey” and “cutie” as a joke… but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to get upset. After that I was very sad because he told me that he loved my voice and didn’t want me to stay silent ever again… So I guess I got him upset anyway.

But life was just about to teach me fairytales don’t always have that happy ending everyone thinks about. One day he told me he was going to be without Internet for a month… and I just really wanted to die. He told me that he was afraid of forgetting me, and I told him I was sure he wouldn’t forget me if he truly loved me.

But… he did.

After a month, he came back just to tell me he didn’t want to carry on with our relationship and erase me as a Facebook friend. I just wished I could die. I really wanted to. I spent the next months crying and doing absolutely nothing. I really thought it was my fault because I wasn’t a real girl and I wasn’t good enough for him. I just hoped he would come back and tell me he misses me, because the only thing my heart could say is that if we had felt the same so far, it shouldn’t change. I must confess if I didn’t try to die by myself it was because of that hope…

That never happened.

My brother told me that he had been a moron for leaving me without any reason and that he would never come back because one does not just stops loving, and that meant he didn’t love me at all.

I guess that made me abandon my hopes, but it gave me some auto-esteem because I knew it was not my fault.

It was on late August that I received a message from him. He said he was sorry for leaving me without a reason and… introduced his new girlfriend to me. She was the girl we spoke to through Skype months earlier.

He acted like he was my friend for some days. He seemed full of good intentions but I… I just hated him. I don’t know why. I don’t know how such a positive feeling can get so dirty in just five months… But I just told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and we said goodbye to each other.

I didn't block him... I still wonder why.